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June 6th, 2004

09:42 pm: I am a product of Cognitive Dissonence...
It struck me today that I am no one, a non existent being in our society until I stand in someone else's shadow. People are incapable of seeing each other as pure individuals in their own right. I cannot be labeled shy, or loud until I am placed on a balance next to another person who will either drown me with their voice or shrink into the background in response to my obviously dominant control. In a society that demands answers and clear rules, I am not allowed to ask a question or push a limit. We are each so conveniently put in our place and defined in relation to those we live around.

I have been handed a legacy of expectations to fulfill and the people who make up my life wait each day for me to fail their tests, a justification for the hostility and jealousy they display. Despite my desperate attempts to please, I am wrong more often than not, the cause of inconvenience and annoyance. It is so much easier to see life in retrospect. The memories, home videos, pictures, ticket stubs, even old clothes. Everything seems to fall in place. Why is that?

And love is the word of the century. Everyone is willing to proclaim their love just as long as everything runs smoothly and the rules are followed. But when this love is challenged in its unconditionality, it does not take much poison to wither it away to nothing.

I am beginning to wonder, what is the purpose of diversion? The word alone should warn of something amiss.

Why do we derive such joys from entertaining ourselves with games, music, and the myriad of methods to stir that smile, that sparkle, that feeling? Are we merely attempting to subdue a desperation? An everlasting melancholy? Would I be remiss to entertain the possibility of a positive correlation between diversion and despair?

"The mass of men lead lives of quite desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.”

-- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

The subject of integrity has been prevalent in my thoughts lately. I am beginning to feel a passion for its purity -- its truth.

When I attempt to describe it, I only stutter, as I trip over words like honesty, respect, love, courage, and character.

Are these words born of each other? Is courage possible without love? Can I love without respect? Is character possible without honesty?

These are small words, but they mean so much.

Do all of these words define me? Where do I draw the line on scope? Any one person who can assume full possession of these words is on the level of magnanimity. I am not.
I love, but with bias.
I am honest, but with exception.
I respect, but through rationalization.
I have courage, but within reason.
I have character, but what is character?

We can all sit back and speak of caring and protecting others, but when we are faced with a choice, it is very hard to care for anyone else as much as we care for ourselves.

July 31st, 2003

12:17 pm: im so bored...

i need something to do...

*wishes they hadnt discovered MSN on his computer*

July 27th, 2003

09:18 pm: I just wanna say.........nevermind...... not worth it.

July 25th, 2003

10:18 am: geez.. i logged into my freeopendiary account.. and was bombarded with popups.. so many that i felt like i was playing a post modern alien vs. the world video game...so many that i closed it out immediately and am determined never go to back.
take that FOD

July 22nd, 2003

12:07 pm: did you know it's a cardinal sin to think avril lavign is annoying? i didnt either, til i just got ripped for saying it.. lol...

stupid "punk" wannabe's...

09:45 am: im so bored...

July 15th, 2003

10:54 am:

I am fine.. please stop worrying...

love you all.

July 10th, 2003

11:18 am: no more msn at work... :-(

stupid mitchell...

09:17 am: blech
Oh my GOSH am I tired… geez o pete.

Nothing too exciting has happened… I guess that I should be happy she and I are talking, and getting along.. without too much weirdness involved..

I really have nothing to say…

I have ball practice tonight. Which sucks.. I don’t wanna go… maybe it wont last long…

Oh well.. at work… guess I should go now.

July 8th, 2003

08:46 am: So.. lets see…. After about 6 days of living with my sister and brother in law.. I guess I need to go home again… not looking forward to that one…

I don’t think im going to use this journal to explain anything, or let loose any feelings about my life… it seems somewhat pointless… the people who will know, are the ones who need to know… sadly I don’t know most everybody who reads this thing… and so my airing my life makes no difference to anybody.

I’ll just put the personal things in my real journal (handwritten) and leave things here very vague.

The only thing im willing to say right this moment is that this weekend has been very difficult… im going to try to stay strong and resist all urges to curl up into a fetal position, ignoring everything that is going on.

Im at work.. there are many more places that I would rather be today. I hope it goes by quickly.

Anybody who needs to have it, has my email. I’ll keep in touch probably.

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